August - 1993

August - 1993

AUGUST - 1993 THE ENTIRE BOOK AS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED THE INTERNET WIRETAP The INTERNET WIRETAP First Electronic Edition of THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN (Tom Sawyer's Comrade) BY MARK TWAIN (Samuel L. Clemens) Electronic Edition by <

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> Released to the public July 1993 NOTICE PERSONS attempting to find a motive in this narra- tive will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR Per G.G. Chief of Ordnance. EXPLANATORY IN this book a number of dialects are used to wit: the Missouri negro dialect; the extremest form of the backwoods Southwestern dialect; the ordinary "Pike County" dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a hap- hazard fashion or by guesswork; but painstakingly and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech. I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding. THE AUTHOR. HUCKLEBERRY FINN Scene: The Mississippi Valley Time: Forty to fifty years ago CHAPTER I. YOU don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain and he told the truth mainly. There was things which he stretched but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another without it was Aunt Polly or the widow or maybe Mary. Aunt Polly -- Tom's Aunt Polly she is -- and Mary and the Widow Douglas is all told about in that book which is mostly a true book with some stretchers as I said before. Now the way that the book winds up is this: Tom and me found the money that the robbers hid in the cave and it made us rich. We got six thousand dollars apiece -- all gold. It was an awful sight of money when it was piled up. Well Judge Thatcher he took it and put it out at interest and it fetched us a dollar a day apiece all the year round -- more than a body could tell what to do with. The Widow Douglas she took me for her son and allowed she would sivilize me; but it was rough living in the house all the time considering how dismal regular and decent the widow was in all her ways; and so when I couldn't stand it no longer I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again and was free and satisfied. But Tom Sawyer he hunted me up and said he was going to start a band of robbers and I might join if I would go back to the widow and be respectable. So I went back. The widow she cried over me and called me a poor lost lamb and she called me a lot of other names too but she never meant no harm by it. She put me in them new clothes again and I couldn't do nothing but sweat and sweat and feel all cramped up. Well then the old thing commenced again. The widow rung a bell for supper and you had to come to time. When you got to the table you couldn't go right to eating but you had to wait for the widow to tuck down her head and grumble a little over the victuals though there warn't really anything the matter with them -- that is nothing only everything was cooked by itself. In a barrel of odds and ends it is different; things get mixed up and the juice kind of swaps around and the things go better. After supper she got out her book and learned me about Moses and the Bulrushers and I was in a sweat to find out all about him; but by and by she let it out that Moses had been dead a considerable long time; so then I didn't care no more about him because I don't take no stock in dead people. Pretty soon I wanted to smoke and asked the widow to let me. But she wouldn't. She said it was a mean practice and wasn't clean and I must try to not do it any more. That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don't know nothing about it. Here she was a-bothering about Moses which was no kin to her and no use to any- body being gone you see yet finding a power of fault with me for doing a thing that had some good in it. And she took snuff too; of course that was all right because she done it herself. Her sister Miss Watson a tolerable slim old maid with goggles on had just come to live with her and took a set at me now with a spelling-book. She worked me middling hard for about an hour and then the widow made her ease up. I couldn't stood it much longer. Then for an hour it was deadly dull and I was fidgety. Miss Watson would say "Don't put your feet up there Huckleberry;" and "Don't scrunch up like that Huckleberry -- set up straight;" and pretty soon she would say "Don't gap and stretch like that Huckleberry -- why don't you try to be- have?" Then she told me all about the bad place and I said I wished I was there. She got mad then but I didn't mean no harm. All I wanted was to go somewheres; all I wanted was a change I warn't particular. She said it was wicked to say what I said; said she wouldn't say it for the whole world; she was going to live so as to go to the good place. Well I couldn't see no advantage in going where she was going so I made up my mind I wouldn't try for it. But I never said so because it would only make trouble and wouldn't do no good. Now she had got a start and she went on and told me all about the good place. She said all a body would have to do there was to go around all day long with a harp and sing forever and ever. So I didn't think much of it. But I never said so. I asked her if she reckoned Tom Sawyer would go there and she said not by a considerable sight. I was glad about that because I wanted him and me to be together. Miss Watson she kept pecking at me and it got tiresome and lonesome. By and by they fetched the niggers in and had prayers and then everybody was off to bed. I went up to my room with a piece of candle and put it on the table. Then I set down in a chair by the window and tried to think of something cheerful but it warn't no use. I felt so lonesome I most wished I was dead. The stars were shining and the leaves rustled in the woods ever so mournful; and I heard an owl away off who-whooing about some- body that was dead and a whippowill and a dog cry- ing about somebody that was going to die; and the wind was trying to whisper something to me and I couldn't make out what it was and so it made the cold shivers run over me. Then away out in the woods I heard that kind of a sound that a ghost makes when it wants to tell about something that's on its mind and can't make itself understood and so can't rest easy in its grave and has to go about that way every night grieving. I got so down-hearted and scared I did wish I had some company. Pretty soon a spider went crawling up my shoulder and I flipped it off and it lit in the candle; and before I could budge it was all shriveled up. I didn't need anybody to tell me that that was an awful bad sign and would fetch me some bad luck so I was scared and most shook the clothes off of me. I got up and turned around in my tracks three times and crossed my breast every time; and then I tied up a little lock of my hair with a thread to keep witches away. But I hadn't no confidence. You do that when you've lost a horseshoe that you've found instead of nailing it up over the door but I hadn't ever heard anybody say it was any way to keep off bad luck when you'd killed a spider. I set down again a-shaking all over and got out my pipe for a smoke; for the house was all as still as death now and so the widow wouldn't know. Well after a long time I heard the clock away off in the town go boom -- boom -- boom -- twelve licks; and all still again -- stiller than ever. Pretty soon I heard a twig snap down in the dark amongst the trees -- something was a stirring. I set still and listened. Directly I could just barely hear a "me-yow! me- yow!" down there. That was good! Says I "me- yow! me-yow!" as soft as I could and then I put out the light and scrambled out of the window on to the shed. Then I slipped down to the ground and crawled in among the trees and sure enough there was Tom Sawyer waiting for me. CHAPTER II. WE went tiptoeing along a path amongst the trees back towards the end of the widow's garden stooping down so as the branches wouldn't scrape our heads. When we was passing by the kitchen I fell over a root and made a noise. We scrouched down and laid still. Miss Watson's big nigger named Jim was setting in the kitchen door; we could see him pretty clear because there was a light behind him. He got up and stretched his neck out about a minute listening. Then he says: "Who dah?" He listened some more; then he come tiptoeing down and stood right between us; we could a touched him nearly. Well likely it was minutes and minutes that there warn't a sound and we all there so close together. There was a place on my ankle that got to itching but I dasn't scratch it; and then my ear begun to itch; and next my back right between my shoul- ders. Seemed like I'd die if I couldn't scratch. Well I've noticed that thing plenty times since. If you are with the quality or at a funeral or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy -- if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places. Pretty soon Jim says: "Say who is you? Whar is you? Dog my cats ef I didn' hear sumf'n. Well I know what I's gwyne to do: I's gwyne to set down here and listen tell I hears it agin." So he set down on the ground betwixt me and Tom. He leaned his back up against a tree and stretched his legs out till one of them most touched one of mine. My nose begun to itch. It itched till the tears come into my eyes. But I dasn't scratch. Then it begun to itch on the inside. Next I got to itching under- neath. I didn't know how I was going to set still. This miserableness went on as much as six or seven minutes; but it seemed a sight longer than that. I was itching in eleven different places now. I reckoned I couldn't stand it more'n a minute longer but I set my teeth hard and got ready to try. Just then Jim begun to breathe heavy; next he begun to snore -- and then I was pretty soon comfortable again. Tom he made a sign to me -- kind of a little noise with his mouth -- and we went creeping away on our hands and knees. When we was ten foot off Tom whispered to me and wanted to tie Jim to the tree for fun. But I said no; he might wake and make a dis- turbance and then they'd find out I warn't in. Then Tom said he hadn't got candles enough and he would slip in the kitchen and get some more. I didn't want ...